Please come and visit me at my forum.

http://pub89.ezboard.com/bbkewlpad

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old journal
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well...i got a palm!!!uhmm..not exactly a palm v, but it's nice to start from a simple palm m100.
I got it from a friend who said he doesn't have any use for it. Well, i didn't ask him for the hotsync™ cable and the software, so i guess i'll have to backup some things.

---hurts and piss-offs---
[:Things that hurt:]

*When she talks about her ex as if she'd miss him.
*When she lets me feel like i'm only another option for her.
*When she behaves like she doesn't feel comfortable with me or with the relationship...like denying the relationship in public.
*When she doesn't feel disturbed by cold seperations.
*When it fucking seems that she obviously doesn't want to see me the same way i want to see her.

[:Things that piss me really off:]

*When she doesn't know when to cut off that stupid cynical humour of hers like want others besides me.
*When she appears to be treating me like crap.
*When she doesn't call me back.
*When i generally can't count on her word.


I found out that you musn't take out the batteries out or all your data will be g0ne, so i already got my fileZ deleted one time...
hmm...that was kinda bad coz i started to track down my Rship with Shelley.
sometimes it's such a mess, so i wanted to let words out...
now...before the stuff gets deleted, too, i'd better back it up...and i'll do it here...in the journal...(hoping that this site will stay for a year or two)...

this tracking i absolutely NOT from the beginning of my Rel. ....i only hope it's not the beginning of the end...

///tracking\\\
[:130501:] I thought we'd meet, but we didn't. She said she felt not too good and we'd delay the evening till tomorrow.
[:140501:] She says she'll call back - she calls me back only in the lae afternoon . I was sure we're gonna meet today, but then she suddenly suggests that we sleep. I go almost mad and she does me like...a FAVOR. We've a quite nice meeting that ends just not much more than ok....
[:150501:]All day we didn't talk. Although i was almost sure that we wouldn't meet, we felt a sudden appetite for ice and thatt's exactly when i drove away. No, i didn't come home early. n1c3.
[:160501:] Well...now i've gotta be sure we won't meet today, won't we?.....no we won't, and besides, she doesn't feel well anyway, but we're having a good-nite converse, which ends ok.
[:170501:] O man... this day i'm starting at 12o'clock. Not that i'm happy with it...Hey, and of course, i'm wondering what will come in the evening. I must realize that we won't necessarily meet. We'll see...It's already 20 o'clock and she wen't out with her sister..i wonder if she's intending to keep it long....i'll wait until half past nine, then i'll go to roZ. Now listen to that shithe called me before i went to him and told me she's babysitting at her neighbours and she'd call me when done. I asked her if i should reserve the car and if i could count on a meeting today. She said yes.
At 23 she called me to the cellular: no, we won't meet. I am really pissed and feeling like i can't count on her word no more.What a fuck.
[:180501:]Now i'm finally conviced that i can't trust her. She didn't call me all day. Finally it was me who called her and at the end she said she'd call me before shabbat. She doesn't. I wouldn't wonder if she wouldn't care about not seeing me on saturday evening.
[:190501:]Again, me, calling her...i didn't even give her a chance to call me back...i called her at 22:00 to get the fucking "final" answer, and we finally meet..NOW: EAT THIS: in the middle, when wer'e hangin out at the nice place in ceasarea, i'm telling her a lil bit about that i wasn't in the best mood on friday evening...she tells me that she THINKS WE'D NEED A BREAK. A FUCKING BREAK!!!
i tell her no way and i'm not even willing to talk about a break...she tells me that we still will be in contact and the only difference between now and then is that we won't be OFFICIALLY. FUCK! I'm telling her that i don't give a damn about a break and i'm not her fucking toy to play around with or to be left hanging...after all, nobody assured me that after her goddamn break she'd come back to me. If she wants a break, she can get a break...a permanent one.
Then i get pretty anti and distance myself from her. With tears in her eyes she says that she is sorry and that she wants to be my gf after all. We hug(cough.,)and everything seems to be settled...well...i'm VERY skeptic how long this shit will last. ignore that(as if i could), and the rest of the nite is quite nice...i come home at 5 am.
[un200501:]Today i'm REALLY tired and despite that i'm goin to bed only in the afternoon, because of various shit like car repair and irc sessions...forget about math class. Of course we're both too tired to think so no date, but somewhat warm talkingZ till sleep{i must say that she's behaving weird today...just too nice. is it real?}
[:mon210501:]At this very moment i'm sitting here and my face is already all red from getting mad. she's at her brothers home and was supposed to call. Again, she said that we would meet. Again...
I bet she'll say that it's too late again after she calls me too late....
now...just called me...well, she's approving that we meet only because she "doesn't want to do the same thing twice to people"...well, thanks a lot...
[:tue220501:]hey...on that evening i was sure we wouldn't meet, because of having meet the day before, because of the math-classe the day after...but i knew that especially then we would meet...we drove (fucking late) at 22:00 to her friend near tel-aviv(!)...i never believed i would do such thing...after all i did it only because i wanted to see her...
[:we230501:]well...today she did't call me...for almost the whole day...and i tried to reach her...hmm...finally i went to the concert without having talked to her. anyway, she called me after the concert...we went to sleep.
[thu240501:]i guess now its the beginning of the end. For the whole day she didn't call me...i tried to reach her a few times...in the evening she called me before the rehearsal...i asked to call her when the rehearsal was over and maybe i could go through her place...anyway after the re. it was already after midnight and i drove through her village...noone answered the phone... i waited some minutes, tried to call two times again and finally drove home...she called me almost one hour later...i told her i've got the car keys and i would be no problem to come[i guess i sad it in somewhat angry-tempered manner]. She said...she's too tired...
now..why did i say that it would be the end of the beginning? because it seems...that i finally have developped a real anti for her. She doesn't call me...i don't really care. I mean, it does make me a lil angry, but not really...i'm kinda aphatic now...but with it, i'm having now trouble to come along with...i already tell myself...if she ain't gonna call today...it's over, i'll kick her. I hope that i still have any feelings left for her.

[:040601mon:]Well, i haven't updated this piece for a long time. What does it mean? That i'm feeling good? maybe it meant, coz now we're. Well, i don't remember the dates anyway. We almost broke up, but then we got cool and all shit, hugs , etc. Later we had a date which was really good. All warm talking. Euphoria. well. anyway.
i'm behaving like a zombie in the last time. i don't sleep. i don't eat. i only sit in front of this screen. Is it because of her? Maybe that's only one reason.
well, lets tell about the saturday evening we had. We didn't meet on Thursday, so we only could meet on saturday evening. And i asked her that if she could always inform me when we wouldn't meet so i should't wait for it. Therefore, she told me that we wouldn't meet on saturday evening. I asked why, and she said she couldn't tell me. i didn't quite understand yet, if she didn't want me to know or if she'd been asked not to tell. Anyway. we talked about all that shit that i think she wouldn't care not to see me for some while, which pisses me of. Then she said, well, we could meet on saturday evening before her mystery meeting. We went out to eat an it was quite great. now, we got back and she was almost out the car. She knows i hate cold seperations so much. I asked her for a small kiss. She said "please don't ask, i'll save it for some other time"...i asked her again. you know, it's not because i need something physical, it's because that's the only warmth i probably get from her. anyway. i made the "pissed-off" face. She told me to stop being like this. To take her in propotion. I told her: i love you, i can't take you proportional. Then i felt like maybe i would cry but i closed the cardoor and drove away.
yesterday, i didn't go to math class.
so she called me when elad was here. it was already late, and, she said she's very tired. Anyway, no need to go through this, we know exactly what came out. tomorrow she'll maybe meet some of her friend, so today is the only day we could meet. And we should meet.But you'll never know...
[:050601tue:]Well, of i course my over-crazed life-style goes on. i still didn't sleep an' i'm too tired to write too much down here. Anyway, after she made a joke about not bein home we finally met yesterday, even relatively early and it was ok. gnite.
[:070601thu:]man, yesterday night was a fuckin bomb, an EXPLOSION, i didn't know where it came from. We just a normal conversation, well, just have to say that in the early afternoon she said that she would call me later, and she called me finally at 22:30...anyway, a normal conversation, just talking a little bit about the fact that some of the things she's doin are actually hurting me...well, suddenly she started to say, that she's really had it with all my shit, that i'm always talking about what i'm not gettin from her, about how miserable i am, about how i suffer, that i'm so self-focused, and that she gives up...we don't have any future together. She said also, that she's really tired of me always putting words in her mouth and doing as if she's the bad guy and the witch. Anyway, suddenly the line was broken or something and our call was cut. I felt like broken, too...i didn't know what to do. I knew i couldn't close an eye without having this fucking problem solved. So i woke up my dad, and took the car keys. Man, i drove like crazy, almost making like three accidents or something, ...anyway i catched her already in bed. She didn't want to listen. She said after two months we really should give it up. I refused to leave. I said repeatedly that i don't want to loose her. We sat in silence for something like thirty minutes. Suddenly she held my hand. I don't know where it came from, i just started to cry, like i haven't been crying for some time...it seems that i really love her i guess...well, we stayed together...
Today, i went to assaf and on the way back i visited her, which was intended to be shortly, since we both were very tired, but spontanously we just drove somewhere and found ourselves in haifa...it was cool...
[:110601mon:]hmm...let's see. Yesterday i went to math exercise class. But after one hour people already started to leave the class...so my motivation was going down. I went a few times for a break outside...anyway, after i found out that i just missed the girl who's giving me a ride home...i was pissed and left...Shelley only asked me "you're leaving?" and i only said "just so!"...and left. I called Elad to come and pick me up, meanwhile i ordered us a pizza. We also lent us a movie("Snatch"), and drove home. Back there she called me to the cellular, and was pretty pissed, that i left the class so quickly and ignoring her, and that she wanted to talk to me then about going out together...she was really angry...and of course, she wouldn't let me apologize...anyway, later she called again, and we worked it out.
[:120601tue:]sos. major crisis again. i'm fucking tired. after a very nice night, movie, hug-hug and stuff, (We even talked about being in the weekend alone together) at four o'clock in the morning it turns out that dear princess has *THOUGHTS* about the whole relationship again...fuck. And she starts talking shit about that i can cope with it and that we should think about the future, that it would be better to split up now, if we knew this wouldn't work out. I told her, that if she wants to split up, i have no problem with that, she just has to say that this is the way she wants it to be. Again, i got no answers. I asked if all that she's trying to do is to leave me with the initiative to give up. She said no. Anyway, she was in state of "closed Doors", i couldn't communicate with her in a normal way. Silently we drove home. I didn't went to math class again.

Well...apparently some girls have to take you on a weekend trip to a five-star-dead-sea-hotel to break up with you.
Because they aren't sure about the relationship.
And you want to cut.
And then, THEY cry
because they don't know what they want
they want to stay "friends".
And you want to forget.
SO YOU STOP THIS GAME.
it's over.
[200601]
...well, is it really over? i don't know, since THE GAME is still going on. She keeps calling me. Yesterday i was learning for the exam which i'll 100% fail and she called me. I told her to call me at 22:30. After sitting in the room for an hour or so, i made my cellular silent(she calls me now only to the cellular since she'd feel uncomfortable to go through my olds)...she called after over an hour. What makes me so angry is the fact that it still bothers me. Why does it? I shouldn't give a damn. Another fact that bothers me, is that i still care. Inside, i know i better not to stay in touch because contact with her still gives me that stupid stupid hope, but in the inside i guess i want her to call me. I want her to proove something i didn't know.
I want to hear w o r d s .
shit.

i don't know why i finally did it, i just felt like i had to, so after a little bit of a pressure my mother got me into telling her the whole story. I was surprised about her response, because i was almost sure she would tell me that i had too many expectations about the relationship. But she didn't. Instead she was absolutely horrified. She said i had to get away from Shelley once and for all. I must NOT give her any chance.
That's weird. Anyway, after the speech i held yesterday, and told i do not want her to call me, because i think the whole contact gives me somekind of illusions, and i don't wanna have any illusions anymore. She called me this evening again. She asked if i could come to her.
I told her no. And then she started all over to affect my concious...i hate that shit. I stood still though. Told her no.
no.
no.
NO.
[:25/260601mon/tue:]
After the test and the "case of the ex"
is seems that apparently i don't have now a lot on my mind, so today i took myself together and worked like a dog from 7:30 in the morning on the swf for the new KewlpAd update. A whole day for a lousy piece of 200x130 px.
About yesterday. After thursday i was almost sure that she wouldn't call me anymore, but i was wrong again. And if i was afraid of her concious-making, that would be exactly what she did, with crying and telling me that i'm behaving like a jerk and that i'm treating her like noone has every treaten her and shit like that("i am so close to hating you...i'm so angry with myself for being so stupid to have called you...")At a particular moment i decided that i have nothing to be afraid. I don't give a damn fuck about her anymore. I don't want her back, since i will not take such risk again. So? Let's be nice. Pretending everything is okay. We're just talking.
Today, she called again at the evening. But i wasn't near my cellular, so my father took the call...anyway, i couldn't figure out from his explanations what he had understood...anyway, she might just be thinking again that i'm not answering the phone for spite...hmm...do i care?
I'm trying hard.
Very hard...not to.
[:090701mon:]
Well well well...t's been a long time...
Have been in Js for the weekend, was pretty cool.
And it's almost official now: She wants me back. Yesterday, she even told me, she wanted "my heart back". Couldn't figure out if she really meant it, but why should i care. Again she tried to convince me that i'm the one who's running away. Tried to convince me until 2:00 am to come over to her place this evening. Quite annoying thing: After i say no, she want's to know how i feel:Good or bad? Damnit! She's pretending to be so stupid as if she'd really thought i would feel GOOD or BAD...She know so well that it's not black or white.

Epilogue? ------[240701]------
Well, i dunno. It's been almost a month now that she's been calling me. I won't use the word "harrassing"...but i felt it was a waste of time. She always tried to convince me to meet her with the same methods: concious-making combined with demagogue. And after all...she didn't even believe me when i said that i don't want us to get back, that i don't want *it*. So...another day...she called me and started the "o i'm gonna sit on your nuts until you give in" - crap, and she was saying almost spectacular stuff like she's had have a "vision" on last weekend or she "really has to say something to me"(of course, not on the phone). I thougt to myself...why not? Lets just meet her and tell it to her in the face. Maybe she'll wake up. So i *surprisingly* agreed. And we met. Had a big fight about lots of shit, though(am i gonna pick her from her home or not, we're gonna go out to our *nostalgic* place or not, etc.)...
and i told her in the face.
and we drove silently home.
and she hasn't called since then.

Epilogue

Well, why am i calling this whole thing off by writing "epilogue" you ask? yeah, true, but i really got SICK of it. So, for the record...

After a long time i suddenly felt really ok to talk to shelley on the phone. One night, we even had a phone conversation i was able to define "above average". Fun. Weird thoughts started to go through my mind. Even some thoughts about getting back together. Anyway, she was staying for almost two weeks at her sisters, and i didn't feel like driving all the way up there, so i told her i would wait until she'd return home.
When i visited her at home, i brough my best friend with me. I don't know what happened. Did he influence me? I don't think so. But suddenly...everything changed. I was surprised. I have had respect to her. I appreciated lots of things in her. It was gone. Everytime when she was behaving like a shallow-minded, or behaving in any shallow way, she convinced me (and herself) that it wasn't really her. O yeah, there was that grrreat sentence "it's so obvious that i'm NOT like that, so i can make fun about being this way". Well. She really had me convinced. But now it appeared that it was her true face. And i don't like that face. I don't like her thoughts. I don't like her words. I'm all Anti. I'm disgusted. I think her mind is full of shit. And since i don't feel good about this hostility of mine, i'm calling this shelley journal off. bye.